Ahora

I had my yearly medical check up a couple of weeks ago and the doctor recommended a thyroid ultrasound. The results showed I had about nine nodules on my thyroid. Two of which were over 1 cm. The doctor recommended a biopsy and I immediately hit Google to find out about thyroid cancer.

It was a relief to find out that thyroid cancer is extremely rare and when it is found it has a very high survival rate. However I still freaked out because I am not supposed to get sick. Not now that I am a single mommy of two beautiful elementary school kids. My sister was only 22 when she died of cancer, also from a very rare type and that was not supposed to happen either. Last Friday (two days ago) I found out my nodules were benign but I will still need another ultrasound in six months to make sure they have not changed.

And of course the thought of cancer got me thinking about what would happen to my kids if something were to happen to me. Who will teach them about religion? who will teach them about their Hispanic heritage? who will teach them about the importance of family? who will teach them about art and encourage them to explore everything that is around them?

I know their Dad loves them but he is a very old fashioned person with very old fashioned parenting skills, very old fashioned communication skills, not a lot of patience. He loves his family but is not close to them, so he would not be able to teach them about how important family is, he is not religious or even spiritual and not very sociable. He is not interested in teaching them about their heritage and will not even talk to them in Spanish.

I am sure he will teach them about sharing, about being kind to others and other good values that are also the based of many religions. But he will not talk to them in Spanish, he will not take them to museums or special events because he does not like big crowds. And my kids (kind of like me) are big social butterflies.

I also realized I have to do a better job teaching them about our Catholic faith and about their heritage. The kids of to Sunday School, we pray in Spanish at night, we receive the Pilgrim Virgin of Guadalupe three days a month but I can do a better job tying the values I teach them with religion, talking about why we believe in saints, what does all the Catholic holidays really mean. I also have to do a better job of introducing them to Peruvian foods, music and even customs and superstitions. The other day the Spanish teacher asked M where her mom was from and she said Peru. When he asked her where in Peru she did not know what to answer.

I used to think I had a lot of time to teach them everything. A lot of time to teach them about the legacy I wanted to leave them. I don't know anymore if do or not, so I better start doing the best I can ahora (now). What is the legacy you want to leave others? are you working on it already?

THIS IS A TEST (my life I mean)

When the Soon-2-B-X and I separated I went through many emotions: fear, anger, jealousy... but mainly fear. That was the biggie. Could I really take care of my two beautiful munchkins, the doggie and myself on my own?

The weekend he left for California and took with him several kitchen appliances (and the dining table with two of the six chairs) I went to Macy's and got some new stuff. That was Saturday Feb. 13, 2010 and it felt good to take advantage of great deals to purchase quality equipment. However other than the knives and the pans the rest of the stuff remained wrapped in the original boxes three weeks after the purchase.

After re-crunching numbers I still was feeling insecure. I had already passed the money test (proven I could afford the stuff) now I had to pass another test: figuring out how things work on my own. I have never spent much time in the kitchen (the Soon-2-B-X was/is a great cook) and had never had to set up any equipment before. My 7-year-old came downstairs and saw me standing in front of the coffee machine trying to figure it out. Matter-of-factly she said that I just needed to read the manual while holding it five inches away from her nose. So after following the step-by-step instructions I was able to taste MY very first coffee cup made on MY new coffee machine. My daughter M and I cheered. It was not the best cup of Joe. It was weak, but it gave me so much strength!!! that day we went to Target and I got a diary that I started using inconsistently.... so now I am wondering if this blog will be easier to maintain (another test?)

I still feel a lot of things are little tests, but the great thing is that I am my own grader. It feels like I am doing those do-it-at-your-own-pace type of tests. And I am O.K. with the fact that I might repeat the lesson until I get the test right. Like the day I had a day off and promised my kids I was going to walk from school to home with them and I did not get on time. I thought they were going to be MAD but they were pretty fine and laughed when I said that I had fallen asleep. I obviously did not pass that test according to my standards but the kids were O.K. because they felt secure that whether on time or late mama was going to be there.

My patience is constanly tested by the kids and the Soon-2-B-X. My job has really become an oasis where it does not matter whether I am married or separated, a mom or not, it is just me and my skills and today I was praised by my boss so that felt great. That was a grade I was not expecting but really welcomed.

If anyone is out there. What are the biggest tests you have experienced? What are the tests you think I should braised myself for?

Over and Out until next time (soon I hope!)